summer girl

eleven.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:14:55 GMT

     "We're going to count off to determine lab groups today. Six groups; Andrew, start us off," instructed Mrs. MacLeod.
     That was how I ended up being a four. I did some quick counting, and realized Heather wasn't going to be in my group. Then I heard Vinnie say 'four,' and I remember thinking that it might not be so bad.
     After Mrs. MacLeod assigned tables, she turned us loose. I walked to the back middle table, hoping it wouldn't matter that I hadn't done the pre-lab. I went to the cabinet on the wall to grab a pair of goggles and returned to the table.
     My first thought upon sitting down and seeing that Griffin was in my group was, 'Oh my god, you have got to be fucking kidding me." Things got infinitely worse as Vinnie took the empty chair to my left. At that point, I only had two things running through my head: 'Oh, I so called this,' and, 'FML.' After a couple seconds of gloating, I realized it was doing nothing to improve my mood, so I let it go.
     I walked around to the other side of the table to weigh the filter paper, and was surprised at the difference between the nine filters. So I made some stupid comment, and as soon as I said it I wished I could cram the words back down my throat--too late.
     "Oh, because 0.04 grams is such a huge difference," he quipped. I probably blushed--I don't remember now--but I definitely didn't have a witty reply or clarification in mind.
     I did, however, take solace in the fact that I'm not the one who looks like a monkey with the goggles on.

ten.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:14:22 GMT

     "Oh my god. You dork! What the hell was that for?!" the rational, logical, half of me is practically shouting in my head. This is the half of me that's all mature and grown-up and that isn't usually present when Tay gets me all happy hyper giggly.
     The totally immature half of me, on the contrary, is pleased beyond belief, and is grinning like an idiot. Well, in my head. In actuality, I have this weird half-smile that is the compromise between the aforementioned halves.
     I told myself not to do things like that. I told myself to take the backseat, not to be proactive, and just to let things happen, without any meddling on my part.
     But then I had to go and start backseat driving. The half of me that wanted to do this in the first place is arguing that there's nothing wrong with dropping hints. Technically, it's passive. I'm not saying anything definitive. This is the half of me that loves loopholes and gray area.
     My logical half wants me to go bash my head against a wall at this realization, but I resist the urge, and my immature half giggles in childish delight.
     I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and the halves retreat. I'm one person again, and the struggle in my head is silenced...for now, anyway.

nine.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:13:19 GMT

     The tardy bell rang, and my mood sank a little as I glanced across the room, verifying for the fifth time in three minutes that he really wasn't there.
     "Sortez vos livres," said Prof. I got up to get my book, and returned to my desk to start the warm up. Tay sat down in the desk behind me after getting her book.
     She leaned forward to whisper in my ear, "Look who's sitting at the end of our row." I turned and gave her a confused look, but looked past her and Andera to the end of the row.
     Being so short, I didn't really see much, just an arm, and over the tops of heads I saw some of his hair sticking up.
     I looked at Tay again, wide-eyed with surprise, and my eyebrows shot up even higher. I brought my hand up to hide my smile, but I was pretty sure she knew anyway. We had a wordless conversation with our eyes for a second, and I turned back to my warm up, shaking my head, and wondered if his moving had anything to do with our conversation the day before.
     Prof was still doing something on his computer when I finished the bellwork, so I flipped through my binder in search of a blank scrap of paper. Finding one, I ripped it out and scribbled "You know, I like it better when he sits across the room. ;)" and put it on the corner of Tay's desk.
     Less than a minute later she gave me back the scrap of paper, and I smiled at her reply: "of course, 'cause then you can stare." I turned around to look at her, and her smile matched mine. I knew she'd understand.

eight.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:12:22 GMT

     I turned the corner onto Sixth, from F, and my gaze wandered out to the empty football field across the street. I turned my head to look at the smaller field on my right, and smiled at the memories of late soccer practices with so much fog that you couldn't see the lights of the football field.
    I kept looking around, and saw someone on a bike coming out from between the elementary and high schools. He wasn't on his usual orange mountain bike, but I didn't have to look twice to know who it was. I didn't look at him, but I could see him waving in my peripheral vision, so I waved back.
     I don't remember exhaling, but suddenly all the air was gone from my lungs, and it felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I was almost to the end of the block, and I threw a quick glance over my shoulder to make sure he hadn't doubled back to talk to me.
     Satisfied that he was headed home, I wrapped my arms around my middle to try to stop the feeling that there was a hole in me, and all my vital organs were spilling out onto the sidewalk.
     I crossed the street, and not even halfway down the block I started shaking; I felt like someone had used a defibrillator on my fully functioning heart.
     "Wonderful. I really thought I could keep it together," I mused aloud. I cringed as I remembered that he's in both my E and 1st period classes this year.

seven.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:11:54 GMT

     I stand in the dark, shivering, staring at the lights on the gazebo. I let my eyes go out of focus as I think about what just happened.
     I see a fuzzy shape coming towards me across the grass; I don't have to look to know who it is, but I do anyway, letting my eyes come back into focus. I'm surprised he came.
     "You didn't really seem okay when you signed off like that," he says. "I wanted to make sure you're alright."
     A faint smile flickers across my tearstained face. "Sweet. But I'll be fine," I reply, returning my attention to the empty gazebo. I wrap my arms around my stomach, in an attempt to keep myself from falling apart. He follows my gaze, but doesn't seem to realize that my brain isn't really registering what I see; where I'm looking doesn't matter.
     He sighs and takes a step closer, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I stiffen, and keep my arms around my middle.
     "Please let me go," I manage to whisper, my eyes overflowing for the second time that night.
     "Not until you calm down," he says, and silent sobs start wracking my body. He kisses my hair in what I'm fairly certain is supposed to be a comforting gesture. Knowing he won't let me go, I put my arms around him and bury my face in his shoulder, still crying.

six.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:11:17 GMT

     "You seem disappointed," he said, moving his hands back up to my hips.
     "Yes, I am. The idea that you'd even try to get into my pants while I'm eating is simply absurd," I scoffed, eating another spoonful of pudding. "When I'm hungry, food is more important than fooling around," I continued, leaning back into his chest.
     He laughed at that, and I twisted around in his arms to look at him. I never could keep a straight face with him, so I abandoned my glaring and finished the pudding.
     I walked away from him to throw the plastic container away and put the spoon in the dishwasher. I turned around to find him lounging against the doorframe between the galley-style kitchen and the dining room.
     I walked back to him, and he put his arms around my waist as mine went around his neck. I had to stand on tiptoe to kiss him.
     It wasn't long before he pulled away just far enough to say, "You taste like pudding."
     "I wonder why," I retorted, my voice laden with sarcasm.
     "I don't," he replied, undoubtedly knowing how it would irk me. I rolled my eyes, smiled, despite myself, and kissed him.

five.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:10:39 GMT

     We were talking on IM, and I asked him to remind me to slap him next time I see him; he refused. He has to go to dinner, but before he goes, he tells me, "And, btw, I don't mind getting slapped if it means I get to see you before I go."
     "I know," I reply, but he's gone, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
     The half of me that doesn't want to see him hurt is screaming that I need to stop flirting, stop getting his hopes up. He's never had a girlfriend, and the last thing I want to do is break his heart. God knows I've done that too many times as it is.
     But there's another part of me, one that doesn't give a damn about anyone's feelings, and that just wants to have fun. That part of me is saying, 'A broken heart won't kill him. Milk it, fool around, and have some fun. Show your ex that you don't need him.'
     And I'm reminded of the question I thought of a couple days ago: how long will I be playing Vinnie like a violin?

four.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:10:05 GMT

     Ah, the library. I love the smell of books. I ran my finger along the shelf, tilting my head to the side to read the titles. One title caught my eye, and I grabbed the book off the shelf.
     I read the flap of the jacket, and halfway down I saw the phrase, "...how I played Anthony like a violin for five months." I stopped and re-read the paragraph.
     The phrase so aptly describes what I did to my thrice--at least, I think it was three times--ex-boyfriend that I have to smile. We dated on and off for a year and a couple months, but we've been over for good for eight or nine months now.
     All this went through my head in a blur, and my thoughts moved on to someone else entirely. I sat next to him in seventh grade pre-algebra honors, he was a total jerk, and I totally fell for him. We've been friends pretty much ever since, and lately we've gotten a lot...closer.
     But I'm still reeling from a recently ended 6-month relationship, and no way am I ready for that again. Yet I can't seem to stop flirting, and the boy's fallen...really hard. I have to wonder how long I'll be playing him like a violin--
     "Excuse me, miss? Did you need help with anything?"
     I nearly jumped out of my skin, but managed to say, "Oh, no thank you," with a smile.

three.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:09:37 GMT

     "Why did you have to get me so addicted to this stuff? It costs an arm and a leg." After a short pause, "Bitch."
     "And yet here you are, and you love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," laughs Mandy, adopting her five-year-old voice, and I can't help but laugh with her.
     "Hmph," I grunt. "I propose a toast," I continue, contemplative.
     "To?"
     "Retarded life. And stupid boys," I reply, a note of bitterness in my voice.
     "I'll drink to that," she says, and we tap the plastic Naked juice bottles together. There's a minute of easy silence, and I watch the cars drive by on the street.
     "Pandy?"
     "Yeah, Nay?"
     "Thank you."
     "No problem," she says, taking another drink.
     "Now just move your ass back down here and we'll be all good," I add, eliciting a laugh from her.

two.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:08:50 GMT

     I was the first one there, so I took my usual corner and grabbed the book out of my bag. I only got through a couple pages before Heather showed up and claimed her customary corner, across the bench from mine.
     I put my book back in my bag, and we began asking each other the standard 'how was your summer?' kind of questions. Before long, a familiar person walked up and sat on the bench between us. I lost all animation and stopped talking mid-sentence. My glare went from cold to icy as he reached for the notebook in my bag.
     Panic hit as I realized I'd written about wanting him to be my first a couple weeks ago. Refusing to give in to the emotion, I channeled it into my anger.
     "Morning Griffin. Nice to see you, too." He glanced up, but didn't stop; my anger flared. "Do you need something?" I asked, my voice imbued with false cheer.
     "No, that's alright. You two can keep talking," he replied easily, nodding to Heather, and continued to grab my notebook, despite my obvious negative reaction.
     I bristled at his clear dismissal. "Griffin Alexander Nosenzo, put that down." A pause, then, "Please."
     He looked at me, smiled, and returned his attention to the notebook. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd slapped him. I smiled as my palm made a satisfying smack as it hit my intended target, his cheek.
     He was stunned for a few seconds, and I took the opportunity to grab my notebook back, and shoved it in my bag. I stood up, slung said bag over my shoulder, and turned to Heather. "I'll talk to you in history?" She nodded, and I mouthed a silent apology. Without another glance at my ex-boyfriend, I turned on my heel and walked down the hall into the library.

one.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 21:07:43 GMT

     I heard footsteps in the hallway. They were heavy, and sounded like Dad's. He walked past my door, then paused, and backtracked. He tapped on my door a couple times, and I said, "Come in."
     He didn't say anything for a couple minutes, and he appeared to be studying an invisible pattern in the white carpet.
     Confused, I asked, "Did you want something, Dad?"
     "I heard you telling your mother about your friend, Renée."
     It wasn't a question, and I didn't exactly have anything to say in reply, so I kept my mouth shut and waited for him to get to the point.
     After a minute or so, he caught my eye and asked, "You like her?"
     "Oh. Uh, yeah, I think so."
     He seemed to think about it for a second, nodded, and said, "Night, son."
     "Night Dad," I said as he closed the door.
     I thought about what had just happened for a little while longer, and I got the feeling he'd learned a lot more about my feelings for Renée than I'd told him.

Gone with the Wind

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 06:16:58 GMT

I finally finished it, last week.
As I've already revealed, I'm a huge happy ending kinda girl, so the ending was really disappointing to me.

Scarlett...reminds me a lot of myself. She's absolutely headstrong, and doesn't let people get to her. She does what she wants, despite being frowned upon by the society.
This is kinda in the last third of the book, but Scarlett says she wants to be a great lady, and Rhett tells her that she may want to be known as a great lady, but has no interest in doing the things to become a great lady. And that really struck a chord with me, because that's kind of how I am.
I make a conscious effort, these days, to be good and nice, but sometimes I just wanna tell the world to go to hell and do what I please.

Rhett was my favorite character. He did what he pleased, uncaring of being outcast from society. He pulled Scarlett out of her fake mourning, twice, and encouraged her to be herself, not some societal clone. He was so smooth, and so in love with Scarlett.
It killed me that she couldn't see how much he loved her. You know how when you're in elementary school, everyone says, "Oh, boys are mean to you when they like you." That's really how Rhett was. And Scarlett just couldn't see it, and she just treated him like...I don't even know.
And then came Bonnie. Good god! I hated Rhett. He became this...abomination! I liked Rhett because he didn't care what people thought; and then along comes Bonnie and he goes on hands and knees to everyone with his tail between his legs! He became this sensitive creature and I absolutely hated it.

The ending...was the ending. I'm glad Scarlett realized she was finally in love with Rhett. But it was really shocking, I think, when Rhett was just...out of love for her. It kinda pissed me off, due to the fact that I adore happy endings...but it made sense, in a way. It was this dark cloud looming on the horizon, and then all of a sudden there it was.
The fact that it ended with Scarlett going off to Tara and we don't find out what happens really made me mad. I hate books that just end, and this one definitely counts. I felt like there wasn't a lot of closure.

Over all, I've gotta say, a must read. One of my all-time favorites.

breaking dawn.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 03:47:37 GMT

My comprehensive analysis of Breaking Dawn. Do not read on if you don't want spoilers.
I liked the book. Really, I did.

BOOK ONE
The wedding was nice. I didn't really like the fact that Jake showed up. Never been a huge Jake fan. I wish I could go to a private island with my vampire sweetheart for MY honeymoon. Poor maid, though. She must've been terrified. But in my head I was kind of snickering when she walked in and Edward was kissing Bella's throat. At first I thought Bella's odd habits (sleeping and eating in excess) were because Edward was drinking a little bit of her blood. Like, not enough to kill her. But then I remembered that his eyes would turn red, and Bella would be all :O! So that was out. I suspected Bella was pregnant before she did. But I totally did not factor in the whole 9 months thing, so at first I didn't understand why she was so confused about it. When she was looking through her luggage and found the little box...before she said what it was, I thought it was a pregnancy test. XD As soon as Bella called Rosalie I knew what was going to happen.

BOOK TWO
I gotta say, I really gained a lot of sympathy for Jake after hearing half the novel from his POV. I gotta say, it was nice to know what Edward was responding to. With Bella, Edward couldn't read her mind and so when he answered people's thoughts you didn't know what they were thinking. So knowing what Jake was thinking when Edward answered this thoughts was very nice & refreshing. I was glad Jake decided not to attack Edward, but then I almost wanted him to when Edward said Jake could have kids with her. GAWD! I was beginning to wonder if he really was insane. And if that was even possible for vampires. AND THEN WHEN HE IMPRINTED ON RENESMEE! HOLY CRAP NO! NO. As soon as she's happy and you can go leave her ALONE, you go and IMPRINT on her DAUGHTER, you STUPID WOLF! /rant. Hehe...

BOOK THREE
I thought it was funny how Bella lied about the pain, and felt really guilty about it. It was cute. And kept Bella...intact. True to herself. Like vampirism wasn't going to change her THAT much. She was still the Bella we knew and loved. It was really very interesting. Vampires think in numbers. The exact time, in seconds (or parts of), and then the measurements Bella did when Carlisle was measuring Renesmee. I do wish Meyer had gone on more about the eighth color in the spectrum; that was interesting. I love how, after Bella realized Jake imprinted on her daughter, she didn't go after him until he called her Nessie. That was cute. I do like that Bella took to being a vampire so well. J Jenks was funny; a cute touch. As were his henchman and the maitre'd at the restaurant. All the rest of it...it was all good. I'm getting tired of going through details, though.

I did read a review today, or part of one, and it said something along the lines of Meyer indulging her characters. I kinda agree with that. And I guess she did that with The Host, but I still like the ending to that better. I've always been a sucker for happy endings. I suspect I always will be, too. *sigh* Such a hopeless romantic.